Hate this town. Hate the depth, or more importantly the lack of, emotional attachment of people here. In such a big city, so many people, so fucking alone. Amazingly disceptive in the beginning, but ultimately their hearts shine through – hollow.

I’ve decided that this year is mine. I am only taking on what I want to, and can manage.

As for my pathetic love life, I’ve decided in that department, I’ll let it go this year. I have my “Sunshine”, who, I come to realise, will never want me. Friendship – on his strict terms - is all I’ve been offered, and thats all I’ll take. After several slaps in the face by life, I know now that I’m not ever going to find anyone who wants to be my friend AND touch me. What I desire – never wants me back.  So I’m content to sit and love from a distance, even if it’s only at arms length- I still get to be close to him..  I reiterate  – I Love WHO he is – AS he is. Changing NOTHING.

On the subject of Love…..

(In my bitterness) I’ve reached that age where I can sit back and see how people have sacrificed themselves for another, given up their dreams to follow the path of someone else, under the guise of “Love”.  

What a crock of shit it is, Love should be about NOT altering yourself. I understand compromise, but of all the people I know, of all their varied relationships, one thing stands out. There is only ONE person compromising, the other one is making all the decisions based on their needs, totally oblivious to the others wishes.. Oblivious – ignorant – or even dismissive, the result is the same. One person is complying, the other making the decisions. A few of them, even after years of being together, are still under the illusion that they operate on a blissfully diplomatic basis. From where I sit, I see one person suffocating, without any support,  keeping it all together, while the other has everything they ever wanted in life, and is enjoying  a content lifestyle.

Back to me ! I’m making an effort not to be bitter, trying to stay positive about all that is open to me. I’m going to be a success with my little business and have very little time to reflect on my lonely heart. I’m planning to move onto “World Domination” a bit down the track, but for now, my needs are to be addressed.

 I love my kids, I love my lifestyle, I love my friends, and, of course, I love my “Sunshine”. That should be enough this year !!

So at 10pm, I got on the motorbike and rode round to “Sunshines” place. I did have plans to come clean and tell him how I feel… But it all went badly….He was laying on the couch watching TV. I asked if he wanted any company and got an abrupt “No”.  Ok- fine, I went home.. Santa had brought me a gym and it had to be assembled, so I figured that this was the time to do it.  I didn’t figure, that I was not in possession of the university degree required to put the thing together !  So I turned up the music ( to drown out the revelry I could hear from round the neighbourhood) , and set to work. Three pieces, 6 screws, and a bucket load of tears later, ( not to mention the touretts syndrome-like language) , I turned in. It was 4am…

So started my New Year.. I spent a few days upset, trying to sort out my direction. Eventually it dawned on me,  it’s the kids absence that has left me in this awful place. I miss them terribly. I have only just noticed that my life -on it’s own – really sucks..

So after the initial mourning period, I’ve gotten my shit together and made plans for the year ahead.. So far, so good.  So we’ll see what happens next – no – wait, I MAKE what I want to happen. I’m taking control this year.

ME !!  Fate, destiny, karma, can ALL have the year off. This is MY time…..

ME…. ME….ME….

( p.s. Still Love my “Sunshine” )

There is a problem though. He plans to spend the night either at a party with his friends, or at home alone. I have asked about his plans, and thats what I got – nothing that includes me…..

Now normally I would see this as a devastating turn of events. But in the “Happy” place that I’m in, I see it as a sign. I am now convinced that he IS aware of my feelings, and chooses to ignore/dismiss them. And thats cool too. In some strange way that makes it easier for me to tell him the truth. I’ve discovered that knowing the answer to the question before you ask is somehow liberating. There will be no nasty surprises. I don’t want to upset him, or make him uncomfortable, but I REALLY need to let this out.

It’s been festering inside me for so long now, I feel as if I’m gonna explode.. Letting it all out will be pure bliss. I can’t wait.

My only hope is that I will get to see him before the year end, as close to midnight as possible. But having less than 24 hours to go, I’m not feeling pressured or anything !!!!!

So cross your fingers for me ( that I have the guts to do it ). And have a good laugh – as I’m sure I/he/we will…

Happy New Year and may all your wishes come true.

I think finally I’ve worked out what to do with myself. It’s dawned on me that I am ultimately responsible for myself and am the only one that can make me happy – or unhappy, as the case has been.

I’ve made it through all the dramas this year, and it’s finally come to an end. I have all the things in my life under control,  where I want them.  I have a clarity about what my future holds that I’ve never been able to see before. I have a plan for the new year, a direction that will see me even more settled. I’ve stopped focusing on what I don’t have and am putting all my energies into what I do have. My panic is over. I really have some wonderful things in my life.

My children are a pleasure, I have a small group of very faithful friends, and a man I lust after. Of course he’s blissfully unaware of my feelings ( I think), but thats half the fun. I get to be around the most amazing person, enjoy his company, lust after him, dream of him touching me… blah blah blah… So everything is great in my world.

He drifted off for a while, spending alot of time with the flatmate, ( a beautiful girl), so in effect, I got ditched. But just as both he & I knew, the situation couldn’t last. He’s an incredible person, but requires alot of room to move, he treasures his time alone, and  cannot manage to live full time with someone who refuses to understand his requirements. I wonder if he realises that I feel the same…. just a thought..

So now he’s slowly starting to spend a little more time with me.  Just another thing for me to be thankful for. So as you can see. I’m feeling great. I have a plan. I can see a bright future for me.

Very, Very Happy.

To that end, how do I rise above the hangover from our caveman era, and accept that love is not an emotion that is going to touch my life? How do I delete the rogue gene in me that makes me feel less human because I have no access to one particular emotion?

I love, oh yes, I love alot. My children, friends, pets. But the act of receiving love has so far eluded me. how can it be that of  all the people in the world, I am the only one not capable of being loved?
I loved & felt loved at 21, married, and was subsequently beaten to within an inch of my life…

I loved & felt loved 8 years later, only to discover I was needed to procreate, and once my child bearing days were over, discarded.

Again last year,  again, mistaken.

And finally where I am now. At the point of realizing my love is unrequited, and pointless. I feel it, but they abhor it.

So please, PLEASE, tell me how I can stop loving, and more importantly stop needing love……………

I so badly want to feel as if I am human..

Not that I think I’m particularly bitter – or twisted, but that’s how it read to me.

So now, med free, the paranoia has subsided and I’ve decided to come back with my rantings. Lucky you !!

My life is still a shambles, but managable. “Sunshine” is still around, albeit far less than before. His new flatmate has filled the space that I used to occupy. I still crave his affections, but am happy to just orbit around, waiting to see what promise tomorrow holds !

My family is still a long distant memory, ( not a very good one at that ! ) Although I have recently caught up with a few cousins and re-connected with the outer fringes of interstate relatives. Who fortunately sympathise with my plight.

I’m starting to get my head together with what the future holds for me. I’ve taken positive steps to become self sufficent and have stopped bemoaning the fact that I am alone. I’ve seen positive aspects of my situation that help me understand that there are worst places to be emotionally. ( There are some crappy relationships out there, masquerading as “happy” ).

So here I am, back, happy, no better adjusted, but here none the less!

In the meantime, a few personal things have changed. My sister moved out, taking her teenage daughter & unmedicated bi-polar with her. This only happened after a massive blow-up that had the police turn up.. Such fun. Strangely enough, I feel a wonderful sense of calm. Seems the past few months of living with her had turned me into some kind of monster. I was constantly on guard, waiting for the explosion that inevitably comes with being around her.

Now I have the chance to return to being me. With my life, my friends and my sense of self. All very important. I was morphing into something I wasn’t. I hadn’t been the person that she thought I was for a very long time. I had grown up and away from the petty trials that she revels in. I had moved on from the world she knew me in. Problem was that she wanted be back there.

I’ve worked very hard to gather some positive sense of self, to reclaim my identity. Having her in my home lessened my worth in my eyes. She is a terribly confident person, with an unshakable ego, and in her presence – I withered….

So back to me ! I feel as though I can breathe again. It’s kinda scary, but I know everything will be ok. I will be ok.

Looks like it wasn’t depression that had a hold on me – It was my sister.

A classic case of the problem being environmental – not physical/chemical.

My “Sunshine” is occupied with another of his “friends”, so I am at a loose end. Seems everyone is busy with their lives and I have slipped into the cracks. Thats ok with me though – I prefer small dark places.

I’ve relented and decided that medication may be the way to go at the moment. There is just so much going on inside my tiny mind – I can’t keep up any more. Maybe meds will help, maybe not. But the sensation of mindlessness is a welcome respite….

Short term, short term, just keep saying, short term……..

He tells me that he has done nothing and gone nowhere in for ages. He’s realised that his life has stagnated while he spent time in “suburbia”, and it’s time to move on. After his garage burnt down, the real estate has told him that the owners will not be building it  again, and this is terribly important to him. He needs the room to store and work on his cars.

To that end, he feels that he should move back into “the real world” and start living again..

How sad am I… I already am aware that my existence is pointless, now I find that he has been slumming it down here with  the lower classes, playing til he recovers from the heart break he suffered from the past girlfriend..

On the up side, he is my friend, and I  am truly happy that he is getting back into life again. I never wanted him to be sad..

I just hope I don’t lose his company…